Today, I had an epiphany.
Today, I realized that I am not as over you as I thought. Today, I felt that twang of hate when I saw you and despite how you hurt me, I would never wish any bad on you. Well, nothing major. A broke toe, spending hours at the ER and not being able to walk without some major discomfort would make me happy. But I digress…
After all this time, I blamed you for hurting me. I blamed you for every time I cried. I blamed you for the time I wasted. I blamed you for the nights I couldn’t sleep wondering why I wasn’t good enough for you. But today I realized I couldn’t blame you for everything; I had to admit my fault in this as well.
Please don’t misunderstand; you have a great deal of responsibility in my hurt but truth be told, I have the greater responsibility because it was what I allowed. This isn’t something I didn’t know but it was so much easier to blame you than to admit I was foolish enough to allow it to happen. Today, I put on my big girl panties and owned my part in my hurt.
You didn’t love me and I should have walked away. You didn’t need me and I should have walked away. You showed me over and over that you were not capable of providing me with the love, comfort, security and consistency that I required yet and still, I didn’t walk away. And that is where my accountability faltered. It’s true what they say: what is allowed is what will continue. Disrespect was allowed so I shouldn’t be surprised that it continued. Today, I realized I didn’t value myself enough to demand more and believe me you that hurt a hell of a lot more than anything you ever did to me.
Today, I recognized that underneath all that anger, hurt and pain, you gave me some much needed lessons in love. Because of you I learned that everyone doesn’t deserve me. I learned that while perfection is an illusion, I cannot settle for less than what I desire. I learned that begging someone to love me is a sign of weakness. I learned to define love and what kind of love I would allow myself to receive. I learned that while you may not be a horrible person, you would never appreciate me or my passion. I learned I am worth so much more than I settled for. I learned that my time and my heart are too valuable to waste.
I often wished I never met you. I imagined how much more emotionally content I would have been if I didn’t give up so much of my peace waiting for you. I thought my heart would have had one less crack in it if you were never a part of my life. But…today I am so much better for having went through that hurt. I put a value on my love and I set the bar for my time. Without you, I wouldn’t be the better, wiser, improved, stronger, ready for love me. So thank you…for once, I can say you did something worthwhile for me.
A healing and evolving Queen