Tags
Advice, depression, healing, learning, life, mental health, therapy, Thoughts
Against my better judgment, I am writing this post. Sigh.
Hi. My name is Jennifer and this is what my depression looks like. It’s not always sadness and looking unkempt. Often times it’s this…smiling to hide the reality. Smiling to avoid explaining the sadness. Smiling because I don’t fully understand what I’m sad about. Smiling so people won’t tell me all I need to do is pray. Smiling so they won’t tell me someone else has it worse than me. Smiling because tears lead to questions. Smiling because they would never understand the war I endure everyday. Smiling because it’s expected. Smiling to hide the hurt. Smiling because sometimes it’s easier.
But the reality is, pretending to be ok is not easy. It only adds to the struggle. I have to wonder how well I am hiding it. I have to try to be “on” all the time. I have to look a certain way, act a certain way, do certain things so everyone will think I’m fine. And that can be so draining.
By now I’m sure your questions are forming…why are you depressed? What happened to you? You have so much to be thankful for…why are you focusing on the sadness? We all have problems, what makes yours so different? Have you prayed about it?
If you are looking for answers to those questions, I don’t have any. I can’t tell you why I feel the way I feel. Sometimes my sadness is self-inflicted. Even though I may have put myself in a situation, being in that situation feeds into my self-doubt and negative image of myself. I also carry other people’s problems with me and that adds to my stress as well. But most of the time, I can’t really describe what it is. It’s just…sadness and frustration. Sure I could say it’s money problems or failed relationships or taking forever to finish college. Those situations can be the starting off point but it can become so much deeper than that. Failing creates doubt. Doubt leads to anxiety. Anxiety can become insecurity. Insecurity can manifest to negativity of the I’m-not-good-enough-so-why-even-try variety.
Now this isn’t an everyday feeling. I have very good days. I have days when I am happy with myself and I am confident. But there are days when all I want to do is be alone. And being alone with my thoughts is a breeding ground for self-doubt.
I am sharing this today because maybe there are people out there like me. While it might not fit the bill for clinical depression, this sadness is real. Maybe it’s too hard for you to admit it. Maybe you never knew what you were feeling. Maybe you think you deserve this hurt. Maybe you don’t know where to turn. For years I have coped with this the best way I know how which is writing and just letting it pass on its own. That’s not really working for me anymore and I have decided to go see a counselor. If you have ever felt anything close to what I have described, I urge you to put your fear of judgment aside and talk to someone.
Maybe later on down the road I will be able to share how I overcame. But right now, this is just my transparent moment, sharing a piece of me hoping that it can help me and someone else in the process.
SN: If your only comment to this post is “just pray about it”, please don’t say anything at all. Prayer alone is not enough. If it were, this post wouldn’t be necessary.
Shamonya miller said:
I really love that you wrote about this. I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I think that this post will reach out to those who need it. Thank you for writing this.
LikeLike
Jennifer Robinson said:
Thank you Shamonya! I hope it helps someone!
LikeLike
linda james said:
Jennifer THANK YOU SO MUCH for this blog….I promise you I could have changed the name from Jennifer to Linda!!! And nobody ever thinks i’m not able to shoulder more. I have a lot of people in the field and out of the field to talk to.I know all of the advice people give me. But no one truly understand. My best way to replenish is my alone time.Quiet time and meditating on music is also a temporary fix. I really needed this today. More than you will ever know. Message straight from on high. I know you were led to write this. At this time of the day I normally wouldn’t have read anything for my pleasure. But I did because this was for me. Keep pressing and please keep writing! #youhavenocluehowmuchithelpedmefeelunderstood
LikeLike
Jennifer Robinson said:
Thank you so much Ms. Linda. I have found that the more I share about myself, even the things that hurt me or that I am embarrassed by, other people have felt similar. It helps to know I am not alone in this.
LikeLike
Krystal Artis said:
Wow…so proud of you for sharing your story. I hope this helps someone. It certainly helped me. Thanks for sharing
LikeLike
Jennifer Robinson said:
Thank you Krystal! I hope it can help someone too!
LikeLike
Deatrice said:
Thank you Jennifer for being transparent. …Now may the healing began as you continuel to walk in your truth. I pray that God continue to order your steps and you get the help you cry for and need. Sometimes the best courage is when you don’t have to be…it just comes !
LikeLike
Jennifer Robinson said:
Thank you Deatrice! I am glad I took the steps to see that what I’ve been doing for years isn’t working.
LikeLike
Kinia said:
Girl this is TRUTH! There was a time I was so depressed and sad that I thought I would never survive life. By going to counseling I gained invaluable coping skills and tools. I hate that it’s still considered so taboo in our community when people are really struggling and need help…not just prayer. Kudos to you for sharing your story. Each one reach one.
LikeLike
Jennifer Robinson said:
Thank you Kinia! Prayer alone is not enough. I really hope that anyone that is suffering will consider counseling. We have to get out of the mindset that counseling means we are crazy!
LikeLike
Lakinia said:
Girl this is TRUTH! There was a time I was so depressed and sad that I thought I would never survive life. By going to counseling I gained invaluable coping skills and tools. I hate that it’s still considered so taboo in our community when people are really struggling and need help…not just prayer. Kudos to you for sharing your story. Each one reach one.
LikeLike
soulanceblog said:
Thank you for sharing! I was clinically diagnosed with both depression and anxiety….. I cant stand the “just pray about it.” Made me feel worse. Counseling didn’t work well for me because I couldn’t find one that didn’t push meds but nonetheless counseling is a good thing 🙂
LikeLike
Jennifer Robinson said:
I had a co-worker that said I should take meds…I don’t think I need them (maybe I do!) but I am not a fan of taking medicine. My first appointment is Monday so we shall see! Oh and thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
soulanceblog said:
Meds do work but it’s a matter of preference, personally I don’t trust many meds today especially in the long term… taking meds for 6months or a year vs taking them the rest of your life is a big decision. I’m sure it will go well!
LikeLike
Jennifer Robinson said:
Thank you for your support! I have found that since I have opened up about it, there are more people who have or currently do feel like me
LikeLike